America the Beautiful — A Yankee Lands in the Florida Panhandle

I flew to northwest Florida Friday and I just want to say that flying for a few hours across America is almost pleasant when compared to 10+ hour flights to wherever.

#almostpleasant

#covidflight

#doublemask

I took the 630AM flight from Ontario, CA to VPS (Destin Fort Walton Beach) via Dallas. And that means — you guessed it — I flew American Airlines. The last time I flew American Airlines I was taking a nonstop flight from NY to LAX to shoot Quincy Jones for a PSA campaign about Rap lyrics — many moons ago. The world was going to end because of the saucy lyrics — remember when THAT was our problem? It was a very dignified business class journey across America. I can absolutely report that the dignity in flying across America has apparently evaporated.

#aawhereisthelove

#aa

Masked up and ready to board, I visited the local market at the gate to stock up on a few essential snacks as they are not able to cater during the flight. Mind you, the flight is all of 2.5 hours so I’ll survive, but charging me full fare for 46% of the service isn’t. But I digress.

There weren’t any mask-challenged dramas on board, thankfully. I’m not even sure how I would respond to a mask-challenged individual being on board a flight. My mind drafts from responding with a swift kick, Bruce Lee style to the noggin’ to invoking Karma. Problem is, Karma is very busy these days and I’m not sure she has time so I’ll probably just stick to invoking my ancestors and my angry Jesus with his great big sandals.

Arrival Dallas. Dallas airport is huge, I know, but thankfully my connection was a mere 5 gates away so I strolled ever so gingerly for about 7 minutes to get to my next gate. I passed myriad fast food places along the way and can report that Chick Fil-A had the longest queue. I do not understand the obsession with CFA and I cannot imagine waiting in a line for it — ever. (I’ve actually never eaten from CFA and likely won’t give their historical, draconian past contributions to anti-LGBTQ organizations (you can Google that if you’re confused).

I boarded the next flight that lasted 1.5 hours and landed, happily, in the Florida panhandle. My little patch of Florida is humid, swampy, beach(y), beautiful and I feel like I have been transported into an entirely different world. #yankeeisspellbound

North Florida, for those that don’t follow such things, is known for its right-wing politics, refusal to mask-up during the pandemic, and flag waving. It’s like a swampy, humid version of Orange County, CA. But what is more interesting to me is the fact that north Florida seems to be the gathering place of so many people from so many other states. North Florida, my people, is the Switzerland of North America(well, you get what I mean).

Tennessee, Arkansas, North Carolina, South Carolina, Georgia, Mississippi, Alabama, Louisiana, and Texas are all here and they’re all hanging out at the Wal-Mart.

Yes, I did it.

I went to the Wal-Mart in Destin, Florida today and my number one priority was to just observe. Have you ever traveled to a land far, far, away and sat in a sidewalk café or on a bench and watched the locals? Listened to their accent? Checked out their clothes and shopping choices? Attempted to absorb a bit of their culture? It’s always such a wonderful experience abroad and certainly one of my favorite must-do’s when traveling.

Well, I am happy to report that there’s no need to travel outside America to have the same experience. Just head down to the local Wally-Mart in the Florida panhandle and savor the myriad accents, clothing choices, parking abilities, pick-up truck options, and political banner motifs that are the south. The Wal-Mart parking lot is more diverse, entertaining, and confused than the main bus terminals in downtown Cairo or Nairobi. And I didn’t need my passport to see it in all its grandeur.

And, yes, as one does when counting wildebeests in the Mara during the great migration, you can count the number of people who have their mask “on” but leave their noses exposed. Better yet, feast your eyes on the lone family standing/grazing in their own min-herd (Mom, Dad, teenage kids) who are, and I’m not making this up, “…not wearing a mask because they want to prove that God will not let them get the COVID…” (overheard while I checked out towels I didn’t need as they discussed their naked faces with management). #mightbesnooping #iwasfixated My West coast roots had some ideas about how to edumacate them, but I let it go.

“The” Covid.

#Stupidisasstupiddoes

These are an endangered species, I fear. COVID is a predator and is akin to the crocs in the Mara and Congo rivers waiting for anti-maskers to wade in only to meet their death roll, meat safe, doom. (National Geographic, have you been to a Wal-Mart in Florida lately?) I listened to the confused, science-challenged, frontal lobe deprived herd pontificate on the power of the Jesus on The Covid and wondered if they tell their older teenage daughter and son to use condoms to prevent disease and pregnancy or if they prohibit the use of condoms because God will divert the baby juices. #askingforafriend #whyareyoushoppingwithyourfolks #condomswork #maskswork

I tried to blend in with the locals people as much as possible so as not to draw attention but made the fatal error of asking a friendly, hard-working Wal-Mart associate about vegan mayonnaise and she laughed out loud. OUT LOUD. My Western, tree-hugging, science-loving, liberal, vegan mayo self was exposed in the Wal-Mart. Heart racing, I lowered my head in vegan mayo shame and looked over my shoulder for the remainder of my shopping experience fully expecting a tribal gang, masks and flies at half-mast, to confront my vegan mayonnaise self, brandishing pitch forks and Miracle Whip on toast. (#ijustgagged)

#dontjudgemymayonnaise

#whosaidvegan

#veganisthedevilswork

I was checking out my fine selections (a wide assortment of iced tea, snacks (read junk), wine (the really good $8.99 kind and a cat toy for Mr. Sam) at the self-check-out and the supervisor came to release the register after noting I was above 40 (#feelingjudged) and we started jabbering. At some point I mentioned that, “…well you can’t get them to wear a mask so you’re not going to get them to stand in line nicely…” to which the manager said, “…they’re all so stupid — they think that it’s a violation of their rights. They don’t know that we record every single thing that they say and do in every store.”

#laughedoutloudandsnorted

#snortedinmymask

#daaaaaaamnflorida

#traveltilithurts

#huffingtonpost

#travel

#expattales

#expatlife

#repatriation

#covidtravel